The dance we have with our Self-Destructive Habits

We all know what’s good for us however often we just can’t help ourselves!

The self-destructive dance takes many forms, the most obvious being alcohol, which is just so heavily ingrained in our culture. There’s also overeating, gambling or simply staying up too late to name a few more.  There’re the less obvious ones such as overworking and over-thinking! Both are acceptable norms in our society. With the over-thinking comes the harsh inner critic that tells us that we aren’t good enough, we could have done better; it can be relentless! And with the overworking, is the opposite of self-love.

In cultures that aren’t head dominant, they experience a better balance of head, heart and belly energy.

The deeper causes of these self-destructive behaviours, often feel strangely elusive. They are the shadow parts of our psyche that unconsciously drive our bus!

Let’s start with awareness…. To know that we always have a choice in any given moment gives us our power back, but that power needs to come from a place of love for the self, a place of balance, a place of harmony. Our power resides in the space between thought and action.

I shouldn’t have eaten that chocolate bar.

But we’re human right?

So, what happens next? We eat more. Maybe not in that moment, but perhaps the next day. We’ve already had some so why not have some more right? We already feel bad (gulit) and bad feelings make us eat more chocolate.

Let’s talk about guilt.

What purpose does guilt serve? The answer is none, yet we do it so well. It’s another form of self-destructive behaviour. On some level we believe guilt will help us not to succumb again. When we take time to listen to this part we realise that all it’s doing is trying to protect us and help us not do it again. Taking time to listen to this part creates change. All our parts want is to be heard. Inner relationship Focusing (IRF) is the way I help people listen to their parts. IRF creates a gentle place for our parts to express themselves.

Often, we’re so quick to extend kindness to others, we rarely offer that same grace to ourselves. Which is kinda crazy — as we are born with ourselves, and we die with ourselves. There isn’t a single moment in life when we’re not in our own company, so kindness to self is our highest priority.

Do I matter to me?

Recently, I had an insight around mattering!

I was deep in my body, doing my own IRF process when that question arose, do I matter to me? I instantly sensed me as that self-destructive teenager – I was a wild destructive force of nature back then! I sat with the question again: Do I matter to me? An image appeared: a bucket inside me, it wasn’t empty, and it wasn’t full — just somewhere in between. A half-filled bucket, this seemed like a fair estimation of how in that moment I mattered to me. I sensed that it wasn’t fixed like that though, it was more fluid; liable to change.

I received insight and clarity as to how much I mattered to me. I was connecting to myself in a way that bypasses my head. This space isn’t linear, it’s like starting at A, then landing at Z back to F and ending up at place you have no idea how you got to. The mind can’t make sense of this style of processing. In this gentle space there’s room for our vulnerable parts to reveal themselves.

The more we give to ourselves, the more we mirror that kindness and love into our external environment and our giving comes from a place of authenticity not from a place of giving to have some deeper need met.

This is what becomes possible when we make time to simply be with ourselves. In IRF, we call this Self-in-Presence — the spacious, compassionate awareness that allows our inner world to unfold lovingly and gently.

The Shadow Behind Our Choices

Our shadow isn’t “bad” - it’s simply parts of ourselves we’ve pushed away and disowned. These parts seem scary because in the past, when we were vulnerable and our needs weren’t met, we learned to shut off and protect our sensitive parts.

These parts often feel:

• Unsafe to feel

• Not good enough

• Numbing is safer than feeling.

• If I stay small, I stay safe.

When shadow parts remain unseen and unheard, they run the show from below consciousness; they drive behaviours every single waking moment of our lives. When we meet them with presence, curiosity, and kindness, they begin to soften. They reveal themselves, our understanding of ourselves expands and our choices and behaviours begin to shift in a positive direction. We can also start to show up differently in the world and how magical is that?

The journey of self-discovery is one of understanding the deeper aspects of our being, the very essence of who we are as unique individuals on this earth.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”

Joseph Campbell